What is Domestic Violence?

 Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be much more than physical abuse. It often includes many types of controlling behaviors. Here are some forms of domestic violence:

 Physical Abuse:
Hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, pushing, punching, beating.

 Verbal Abuse:
Constant criticism, mocking, making humiliating remarks, yelling, swearing, name-calling, interrupting.

 Sexual Abuse:
Forcing sex, demanding sexual acts, degrading treatment.

 Isolation:
Making it hard to see friends and relatives, monitoring phone calls, reading mail, texts, or messages, controlling daily activities, taking car keys, destroying passports or documents

 Coercion:
Causing guilt, sulking, manipulating children and family members, always insisting on being right, making up impossible “rules.”

 Stalking:
Watching of following, repeated threatening calls or unwanted messages, monitoring your social networking, posting unwanted photos or videos of you online, sending unwanted gifts, breaking into your home or destroying your property, using cameras in your home or spyware on your computer or phone.

 Economic Control:
Not paying bills, refusing to give money, not allowing you to go to school or work, not allowing you to learn a new job skill, refusing to work and support the family.

 Abusing Trust:
Lying, breaking promises, withholding important information, being unfaithful, being jealous, not sharing domestic responsibilities.

 Threats and Intimidation:
Threats to harm others, threats to harm pets, using physical size to intimidate, shouting, keeping weapons and threatening to use them.

 Emotional Withholding:
Not expressing feelings, not giving compliments, not paying attention, not respecting feelings, rights, opinions, and concerns.

 Destruction of Property:
Destroying furniture, punching walls, throwing or breaking things, abusing pets.

 Self-Destructive Behaviors:
Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm or suicide, driving recklessly, causing trouble.

 For more information and resources, visit: Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence

The Cycle of Abuse

 To understand the dynamics of intimate partner violence, one only needs to put a kettle of water on the stove…left there long enough, it will eventually reach a boiling point. Therein lies the problem with most people’s concept of intimate partner violence. People living with domestic violence are manipulated into thinking that unless the abuse is life threatening, there is nothing to worry about. A push or a slap, what’s the big deal? Nobody’s been permanently scarred or maimed. Although that may be true, over time, the violence almost always escalates in both frequency and severity. Repeated violence tends to follow a three-phase cycle:

 Tension Building Phase: Arguments and Threats

 This stage involves minor incidents (slapping, verbal and/or psychological abuse) with increasing tension and fear of the batterer. This may be the time when a victim will seek out help through law enforcement intervention only to be told nothing can be done until violence occurs. The victim may:

  • Placate batterer by nurturing or staying out of the batterer’s way

  • Control, manipulate environment to prevent escalation of violence

  • Minimize, trivialize, deny violence

  • Cover for batterer, excuse behavior

  • Begin to withdraw emotionally from overwhelming stress

  • The victim’s inability to face the reality of the situation allows the batterer to escalate the violence.

 Acute Battering Phase: Beating, Choking, Punching, Use of Weapons

 During this stage, a violent episode occurs usually causing injury and sometimes resulting in death. This is usually the shortest phase lasting a few minutes to 24 hours. The victim may:

  • Feel a complete loss of control

  • Feel psychologically trapped

  • Wait to seek medical treatment if s/he chooses to go at all

  • Not experience the effects of the trauma for some time

  • Not trust law enforcement, fear their involvement will further enrage batterer, defend the batterer to police

 Honeymoon Phase: Period of Relative Calm

Environment becomes tranquil, maybe even pleasant. This may be the longest phase early in a relationship, but usually becomes progressively shorter over time. This calm environment may become quite brief with the tension phase beginning again almost immediately. The victim may:

  • Experience the illusion of well-being

  • Believe that s/he is the sole support of the emotional stability of the batterer

  • Believe the many promises of the batterer

  • Feel responsible for batterer’s well being

 The cycle usually ends one of two ways — in the death of the victim or a separation. If there is a separation the batterer often moves on to a new victim.

 Safety Planning

 A safety plan is a combination of suggestions, concrete steps and strategic responses designed to increase a survivor’s safety during specific situations. Every survivor’s safety plan is different—tailored to their unique circumstances—and every perpetrator will respond differently to those safety tactics. Advocates help survivors strategize about how to more safely respond to domestic violence (including stalking) by creating a safety plan. It is important to keep in mind that safety plans do not guarantee a survivor’s safety, but they can greatly increase it. For more information, visit:

Safety by Location

In the Home

·       Avoid bathrooms, the kitchen, the garage and other areas where weapons may be found when the perpetrator is in the home.

·       Identify which rooms have strong doors, locks, and windows that open.

·       Install an alarm system and/or motion detector; some security companies will provide these for free or a discounted rate to victims of stalking.

·       Talk to neighbors: ask them to call 911 if they see the perpetrator or hear something concerning; if comfortable sharing, give them copies of protective order.

 At Work

·       Change telephone numbers, location, and hours if possible.

·       Provide copies of protective orders to supervisors.

·       Park close to the office door or ask someone to walk them to their car.

·       Develop an office or work-escape plan.

·       Talk with security guards and receptionists about who is allowed to visit; provide a photograph of the perpetrator; ask front-desk personnel to call before letting someone into their office.

 With Children

If the victim has children, they may be affected by what’s happening, regardless of their relationship to the perpetrator. Victims with children should consider the following:

 ·       Identifying safe places for the children to hide if the perpetrator approaches them or the victim.

·       Teaching the children how to call 911, and giving them permission to do so.

·       Discussing who the children can go to for help (e.g., family members, neighbors, law enforcement). Providing copies of protective orders to schools, daycare, and other care providers.

·       Making sure every person who takes custody of the children knows who else is allowed to pick them up. Obtain advice about civil legal remedies to protect the children.

 Online and Technology Safety

Technology safety extends our personal safety and security to include how we use the internet and technological devices. While this type of safety control can take many forms, a few examples of places where victims can increase their protection of private information include:

·       Password maintenance

·       Identity control

·       Telephone security

·       Computer security

·       Documenting security breaches and safety concerns

For more information, visit:

Stalking

Stalking is a pattern of behavior directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for the person’s safety or the safety of others; or suffer substantial emotional distress. Two or more incidents make a pattern; however, definitions vary from state-to-state so it’s important to be familiar with your state’s laws about stalking. Stalking is a crime in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, U.S. territories, the military and tribal lands.

 Some of the behaviors that make up the crime of stalking are criminal on their own (like property damage). Even if the behavior is not a crime on its own (like texting excessively), it may be part of the pattern of stalking behavior and victims should consider documenting and reporting it. A tool like the Documentation & Behavior Log can help

For more information, visit: Stalking Awareness

Think Someone You Know is Being Abused? Here’s How to Help

Whether you suspect that a friend or family member is being abused or you witnessed someone being abused, you can take steps to help. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some warning signs include the following:

  • Their partner insults them in front of other people.

  • They are constantly worried about making their partner angry.

  • They make excuses for their partner’s behavior.

  • Their partner is extremely jealous or possessive.

  • They have unexplained marks or injuries.

  • They’ve stopped spending time with friends and family.

  • They are depressed or anxious, or you notice changes in their personality.

 If you think your friend or family member is being abused, be supportive by listening to them and asking questions about how they’re doing. The person being abused may not be ready or able to leave the relationship right now. For more information, visit: Women's Health

 Why Don’t Victims of Domestic Violence Just Leave?

 There is a huge list of reasons as to why a victim might not be willing to leave their abuser. For starters, some victims know and are aware of what their abuser is capable of and any thought of escaping abuse is more like a death sentence. They may have also been threatened by their abuser to never leave or something horrible may happen.

It’s this gripping fear that keeps a victim from escaping abuse and their domestic violence situation. They may be afraid that their abuser will further try and hurt or kill them or their children may possibly be hurt or killed. Victims worry about the well-being of their pets, the custody of their children, suffering financial ruin, and so on.

 There are other invisible barriers that keep victims of domestic violence from leaving their abusive situations. Here are a few of them.

 ·       There is a real fear that the abuser will use violence that is lethal if the victim decides to leave.

·       Some women simply have family members or friends that don’t support their decision.

·       Women may look to the hardships of single parenting and the financial strain that can take place, which is another setback.

·       At times, victims may be uneducated and unaware of the help and support that they could be getting.

·       The victim may experience a confusion of emotions because of good memories mixed with bad ones with the abusive individual.

·       There is also the fear of their children being hurt or killed by the abuser, or that they might lose custody of their children.

·       If the victim doesn’t have any way of taking care of themselves, whether it’s with a job, cash tucked away, a bank account, or assets.

·       Some victims feel that they have nowhere to turn to in order to find help.

·       Due to their beliefs or religion, they may feel that they can divorce their spouse.

·       Fear of being deported if undocumented.

·       Afraid that they and their children could end up homeless.

·       There might also be the false assumption that a household with two parents is better than one, even if domestic violence is present.

 For more information, visit: National Center for Domestic Violence